I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
