i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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