I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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