I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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