I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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