You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
my vag is so smooth its legendary
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
