Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
