Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
