u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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