How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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