and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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