The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
