Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
