Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
