Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
