Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Four minutes until I can fart!
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
