i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
