you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
