omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I need to calm my uterus...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
