So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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