life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize
