Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize