Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
