dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize