broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
