Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize