last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
