I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
