so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
