can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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