Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's shark week go big or go home
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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