I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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