where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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