How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
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