i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
