I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
