Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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