I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
