her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
