Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
