do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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