I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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