guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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