he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Come on in and take your pants off
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