i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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