Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
