can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
