haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
it hurts more in the daytime
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize