I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
