Only a mothe r could love this liver
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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