he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
