if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
