Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
