i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
