so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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