hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
