ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
