Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
PANTIES FOUND
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