Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
