If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
